Entry tags:

calling in a debt, fanfic, harry potter, hp/ss

HP: Calling in a Debt 14/16
Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money of this story either.

AN: Thanks to darkmoore and Christine Pierson for looking through it so quickly.

Chapter 14 – Madness

Harry felt like throwing things against the wall, like smashing every object in his rooms yet again. He still hadn't cleaned everything up from last time he had gone berserk, and he didn't want to add to the pile of housework still waiting for him. The way they hadn’t listened to his concerns and his ideas had left Harry reeling and hanging onto his temper by a very fine thread.

“No, Harry. That's impossible, Harry. I'm sure it couldn't work that way, Harry,” he repeated sarcastically to himself. “Yeah right,” he fumed. They had simply brushed everything away, like it didn't matter. “It is important. Why can't they at least try to understand?” Standing in the middle of his quarters he felt like crying and screaming at the same time. In frustration, anger and resentment all at once. He almost regretted getting Hermione in on the problem and she hadn't even been there for longer than a week. In a way, he had forgotten how inflexible she was, how much faith she put into books and hard facts.

“That's not how a magic ritual of this magnitude works, Harry,” he muttered to himself even more angrily. None of them had listened to his concerns; neither Hermione, nor Ron or Albus. The same dream haunting him night after night, the same feeling of being outside of his body, of being Severus. How could that not mean something? He wished there was a way of expressing just how much he hated Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley and Albus Dumbledore. It paled to everything he had ever felt before.

And he couldn't understand it.

The situation felt so surreal, the anger so strong and yet so – foreign. He had never hated this strongly. Not even his feelings for Voldemort had come anywhere close. They had been unable to accept his idea – no, his strong conviction - that Harry had been there, that his parents had found a way to include him in that damned ritual. That wasn't a reason to go ballistic, to feel this way. A small part of his mind kept reminding him that they were trying to help, that he had no right to feel so angry. That the rage he felt at being dismissed on a matter of such importance was unfair and stupid.

The only thing that made the situation half-way bearable at this moment was the fact that Severus hadn't huffed at his explanation, but had actually looked like he believed him.

At the thought of Severus, the anger seeped out of him, anxiousness wrecking him in the next moment. “What by Merlin is going on with me?” he wondered out loud, shaking in the aftermath of unbearable rage and with how betrayed he felt. Dazedly, he left his rooms and headed to the hospital wing. Something was seriously wrong with him.

Ooo00O00ooO

“I'm what?” Harry asked Poppy, his eyes wide. He was seated on one of the beds in the back-rooms. At least none of the children could walk in on them, something Harry was extraordinarily grateful about; all thoughts of the reason of his visit had vanished at the result of Poppy's examination.

The medi-witch looked at him with trepidation, “You didn't know?”

Rolling his eyes at her affectionately, Harry huffed, “Of course I know that wizards can get pregnant. But isn't it usually a lengthy process?” Shutting out the circumstances of his own conception on purpose, he saw Poppy flinch. She was probably remembering the position James had been in and had already been composing a lecture about pregnant wizards. Had she ever guessed who Harry's other parent had been? Perhaps. He wasn't ready to even think about talking to anyone else about the matter. The conversation with Hermione and Ron was still too fresh on his mind.

“In some families it happens ... quickly. You should be old enough to know that once is enough to get pregnant.” Poppy had the same expression on her face that she had had in 6th year, when she had given them the infamous 'Talk'. Girls and boys separately, everybody too embarrassed to ask her any questions as the medi-witch stood at the front of the class-room, rattling down facts about pregnancies and teaching them contraceptive spells. “Who is the other father?” She asked kindly, but there was a touch of fear in her voice, as if she wanted to know and not know all at the same time.

“That, dear Poppy, is none of your business as of yet.” He didn't want to hurt her, but the relationship was too new, too raw, to spread around. Severus and he had barely even talked. There were so many issues between them that Harry didn't dare to think of a happy ending, never mind the circumstances. He pushed all that away from him. The doubts, the fears and just allowed himself to feel. He was pregnant. It was barely sinking in. He, Harry Potter, was pregnant. A baby. He was having a baby. He stared out of the window while Poppy was puttering around nearby. Finally he found his voice again and he asked the first thing that came to his mind, “How far along am I?”

“Only a week and a half. I'll give you a potion against the nausea and you'll have to take a spoon full every day until the morning sickness stops,” she turned away to get a bottle out of the cabinet. “I want to see you here once every other month for a check-up for the time being.” She then looked at him with a serious expression on her face, “And Harry? You really should tell someone who the other father is. If not for your own safety, then at least for the little one.”

“Not yet,” Harry answered absentmindedly, his thoughts completely focussed on the life growing inside of him. Before he told anyone else there were quite a few things he had to work through and discuss with Severus Snape. The last thing Harry needed was the resolute witch getting her hands on the man before he did. “Thanks, Poppy.” He hopped off the bed, grabbed the vial she was still holding out to him and left the hospital wing as quickly as possible. He still had work to do, even though he could barely contain himself from running to the dungeons to tell Severus the news. Severus wouldn’t appreciate a visit in the middle of a Potions class either. Reigning in his overwhelming happiness Harry headed to his own classroom.

The sinking feeling that he could no longer put off the relationship talk with Severus was added to the mix of broiling emotions inside of him.

Ooo00O00ooO

There were worse things than spending the morning trying to stuff some knowledge into the minds of some stupid children. At least Severus could pride himself on forming some of the greatest minds of the Wizarding world. It couldn't be said that he had changed his teaching style since Voldemort's demise, but even he had to confess that he had mellowed a little. Maybe become just that bit fairer. Naturally he still showed preference to his Slytherins and he still punished the Gryffindors more readily, but the acute need to cater to the sons and daughters of the Death Eaters had lessened with the demise or incarceration of Voldemort's supporters.

Severus still had fond memories of the first time he took points from a Slytherin student. The expression on the face of the little cretin had been worth the 10 points, especially as the potion was still dripping off the ceiling. It had been a remarkable explosion, almost worthy of Longbottom.

It had been a long time since Severus Snape had felt so good. The timid children had stared at him with open suspicion, as if he was in a good mood just to annoy them. The thought alone was ridiculous and yet amusing. Severus knew he had been moody ever since he had been forced to marry Harry. Yet he had always kept those moods out of the classroom. Back then, when his emotions had been controllable. When had they become a force greater than his own willpower?

Watching the children scribble their answers to his quiz was relaxing and he had to force himself not to smile. He needed time to think about the recent happenings, about his feelings and his lack of control. The last fortnight had been incredible. Passionate, full of what he reluctantly identified as happiness.

Once he had confessed to himself how much he wanted Harry, he couldn't stop himself. That's all it is. Lust. Nothing more, Severus thought desperately. I surely can't love the insufferable brat. It was laughable. If he hadn't been sitting in front of a class shared by Slytherins and Gryffindors, Severus would have laughed at that. Of course he wasn't in love with Harry bloody Potter. There was no way he could be. Not even with the Mindguard madness hanging over his head like the axe of an executioner.

It wasn't like they had actually talked about anything yet. They just fell into bed with each other every night. Severus closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. His need for Harry hadn't diminished one bit, it was like fire, burning underneath his skin, consuming him every waking moment. It escaped all explanations and it wasn't rational in any sense.

Class ended and the students handed in their parchment with astonishing speed. Their discipline had reached a new high. Under certain circumstances unpredictable moods could have their positive side-effects, Severus guessed as he saw the last of them beat a hasty exit from his class-room.

Finally. The last class of the day was over. Gathering all the essays and the quizzes Severus made his way out of the dungeons, locking the room as he went. At last, his free afternoon had started. Halting at one of the windows on his way he overlooked the Quidditch Pitch, knowing that Harry would be out there, giving one of his rare lessons that day. Probably an excuse for him to get back into the air, to play again.

There he was, talking to one of the seventh year Ravenclaws. Severus froze, his mood darkening as quickly as a cloud covering the sun. Both small figures were gesturing wildly, obviously deep in conversation. Nothing wrong with that, Severus thought resentfully, trying desperately to keep calm. There was nothing wrong with Harry talking to a student. Nothing at all. Severus frowned deeply and growled as he watched them lean closer to each other. When the student put his hand on Harry's arm, something inside of him broke.

Turning away from the window, Severus stalked to his quarters, the facts of what he had just witnessed swirling madly inside his head.

Ooo00O00ooO

Harry was feeling elated as he ascended the stairs. He hadn't had that much fun in ages, but he didn't regret that he gave up the Hummingbirds for teaching. Singing softly to himself he took two steps at once, nearly propelling himself towards the teacher's wing, his broom slung over his shoulder.

When the first garment floated down, Harry barely took notice, but when more and more clothes serenely floated down and ended up on the staircase he was just ascending he took a closer look. That looks like one of my boxers, Harry thought, a little dazed by that. What on earth? Speeding up with worry he muttered a few spells and the strewn out garments gathered together and floated them after him more slowly.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked completely aghast when he had reached his destination. There was a heap of things in front of Severus' quarters. A quick once over confirmed that the older man had thrown out everything that held any connection to Harry at all. “Severus, what the hell are you doing?” He repeated when his lover did not answer. Shocked, Harry watched Severus add a few stray pieces of clothes to the growing pile.

“I’m helping you move out,” Severus finally growled, his voice as inviting as a glacier.

“I wasn’t aware that I had moved in!” He was taken aback by the forceful tone and the cold glare that had accompanied the words. “What’s going on?”

“You know very well what is going on. I want nothing more to do with you. Why don’t you take all your things and move in with him?”

Harry was speechless for a moment. “What are you talking about?"

“What was that half an hour ago on the field? I should have known this was a bad idea from the very beginning.”

Finally over his surprise, Harry felt the anger starting to bubble up, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Severus’ expression turned even colder, “I am talking about Linus.”

Harry ran his hands through his hair and tried to put all the puzzle pieces together in his head. “Linus? What the… Severus, Linus is one of my students. What does a seventh year Ravenclaw have to do with you moving me out?”

Sneering derisively, the taller man glared at Harry, “Why don’t you just do both of us a favour and go with him.”

“Severus! There’s no reason for you to be jealous of a student who was asking for pointers as a Seeker.”

“So that’s what they call it nowadays,” Severus finally looked at him, his face the blank mask. Harry knew it was what Severus did to hide his emotions when he was barely able to keep them in. The man's last line of protection. “Pointers.”

The icy reply was the last straw and Harry exploded, “I hope you aren’t implying that I’m having a sexual relationship with a student!”

“Who said anything about implying! I saw the two of you together!” Advancing on Harry, Severus finally let go of his emotionless mask, pain and accusation clear on face and in his gaze.

“How dare you,” Harry hissed. “How dare you say that? I would never do something like that.”

“How many times did you cheat on me while we were married?”

“What?” Harry exclaimed in disbelief.

“You heard me just right. How many times?”

Hurt beyond believe Harry stared at Severus, “I never cheated on you.” He had not even finished when the effect of his words could be seen on Severus’ face. Dark eyes became slits as Severus stared at Harry like he was something ugly that had crawled out from under a stone. “I didn’t cheat on you!”

“You are a whore. Like your father,” Severus hissed and banged the door shut in Harry’s face.

Stunned with the last low blow and with how ridiculous the situation was, Harry simply stared at the closed door for a few seconds before he started to pick up everything that was strewn around on the floor. He was re-running the conversation in his head again and again; unable to understand what had just happened.

Ooo00O00ooO

Putting away the latest book she went through Hermione leaned back, thinking back on what Harry had shared with them the day before.

”I was there, Albus, you told me yourself that James was highly pregnant at the time. I was there!”

Albus had not agreed with the significance of Harry’s revelation and neither had Hermione. It was simply impossible for an unborn baby to be part of a ritual like that. Even if it was fully formed, there was no way Harry could have been anything but a silent, unseeing witness. Where the dreams and the out of body experiences came from she simply couldn't tell. But Hermione couldn't get the words out of her head. ”I was there!” She could dimly remember reading about a spell, specifically designed to include unborn babies. The Unanimis spell was supposed to create a bond between mother and child to ease post-partum depression. Especially useful for male pregnancies where the baby blues usually developed into full blown depression for months.

And all it took for those spells was the change of one word in the ritual.

It certainly explained why Harry had exploded so aggressively when neither of them had listened to him. The bond was incredibly close and tied into the Mindguard...

Her mind was busy putting this new information into context as she reviewed the last few years. First the marriage with the bond, then the divorce and the subsequent deterioration in Severus’ condition. It all made sense when seen in context with the Unanimis spell which would have been broken when the marriage bond was severed.

The stabilising factor.

Hermione jumped up and ran to the library. She had to be absolutely sure that the Unanimis spell would work with the Mindguard before she even considered taking this to either Harry or Severus.

Ooo00O00ooO

Excited Hermione made her way to Harry’s apartment. She finally understood and was able to explain what had happened, how it had been possible. This couldn't wait until tomorrow morning for their usual meeting. Harry had to know now

All the doors were open and Hermione followed the noises to the bedroom, starting to get worried. It wasn't like Harry to be so careless. There were no wards, nothing and war had surely taught him better than that. Taking out her wand, Hermione sneaked inside. In the bedroom she found him. For a moment she watched as Harry threw clothes into his trunk, shocked at what she was seeing. “Harry? What are you doing?” She was surprised he didn't startle. Maybe he had known she was there all along. His instincts had always been better than hers.

Without so much as looking at her, Harry opened the next drawer and rubbed the soft cloth of the robe he was wearing over his reddened eyes. “I’m packing.”

Dumbfounded, Hermione finally took a step into the room. “Packing?” she repeated stupidly. “But you can’t leave now! Not in the middle of the semester.” For a moment she stopped talking. Gee, Hermione, get your priorities straight, she thought despairingly. “Not when Severus is finally stabilising a little.” Her amendment seemed to incise Harry more than anything.

“Yeah, he’s stable. Stable enough to exact his revenge. How could I be so stupid?” Harry yelled, throwing the books from his night-stand into his trunk with more force than strictly necessary.

“But you’re helping him! He needs you.” What by Merlin had happened between the two? Yesterday they had seemed happy and almost content. Severus had even smiled at Harry. Twice. Today everything was in shambles. Not even the divorce had made such a mess of Harry.

“Needs me? He needs me like a hole in the head, he made that crystal clear.” Suddenly the tears came back and he sat on the bed, sobbing helplessly, “There is no place for me in his life and I just can’t do this any more. I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him, not when he's so close,” he looked up at Hermione. “He returned every little slight and injury I ever did to him, real or imaginary. I can’t stay here.”

“Harry, I found out what induced his instability.”

“I don’t care any more,” Harry forced out between clenched teeth. “His life is out of my hands, I’ll leave him to you and Albus.”

“Don’t be an idiot! I know you care about him, you always did. You did when you hated him back in first grade and you cared about him when you were active in the Order. You loved him for Merlin knows how long and now you take something he said or did in one of his unstable periods for a reason to leave him?” Hermione sat down next to Harry and put an arm around his shoulders, “You simply can’t go now.”

“Why? Just give me one good reason,” Harry replied tiredly.

“You’re suffering from the Mindguard bond as well.”

Harry looked at her accusingly and Hermione knew she deserved it. “I thought that was absolutely impossible? What did you say? ‘It’s unthinkable that an unborn baby could be involved in a ritual of this magnitude.’”

“I was wrong.”

Harry laughed through the tears. It wasn't a nice sound. “You were wrong? Hell yes you were. Whatever you think, I’m not stupid. We’re both grown ups and you should have listened. You, Ron and Albus, all three of you should have stopped and just listen.” Colour returned to his cheeks. “You had no right to belittle me like that, none at all. The least you could have done is hear me out and look it up. Sometimes I think you believe you know everything.” His angry triad died down to a whisper, “I really wish I had never written to you.”

Hermione swallowed. “Harry, I’m sorry. I really am.”

For a moment Harry didn’t say anything more, just stared out of the window, tiredly rubbing his eyes. “What changed your mind?”

“You. You changed my mind, Harry. What you said wouldn't leave me alone and I just started thinking, then I finally connected all the dots. It explains everything, absolutely everything. From the timing to the way you both have been acting lately. The attraction between you, the anger and the focus on each other. It's brilliant really. I'd never have-” Hermione realised she was babbling and cut herself off. “They changed the ritual, just as Ron and I thought they did. To include you as a kind of backup. Whoever modified it took quite a big risk by doing that. I dismissed it because I couldn’t imagine your parents endangering you like that. The Unanimis spell on its own is harmless. However, when you combine spells, especially large rituals like the Mindguard, it can often have unforeseen side-effects. I talked to Dumbledore and asked him if James suffered from depression after the birth, but James was absolutely fine.” Her gaze found and held Harry's, “Every wizard giving birth suffers from post-partum depression. It has something to do with the length of time the baby is carried by a wizard. It's inevitable to feel sad about parting after three years. James didn't. Not even a bit. I believe that they added the Unanimis spell to the Mindguard ritual, blending the two bonds. So Severus had a primary bond with your dad and a secondary bond with you, while you had a primary bond with your dad and a secondary with Severus. The secondary one was most likely dormant until James died, then it flared up.” Excited Hermione shoved a piece of paper into Harry's hands, “Look at that, it's the old Unanimis spell. And I mean old, ancient actually.”

Harry held up his free hand, “What on earth are you going on about. Secondary bond? How does that explain the sudden deterioration?”

“I was just going to explain that,” Hermione answered, practically humming with excitement. “The marriage. When you divorced you also broke the Unanimis bond, which served as the stabilising factor in this whole mess. This is so good that I can't fathom why they didn't let the world know about it actually. The combination of the Unanimis with the Mindguard wasn't only between you two, it must have been between James and Severus as well. It's used to stabilise depression. Stabilise, Harry. It took care of the developing madness by providing an anchor for the mind. But by breaking the Unanimis bond you're now left with just the Mindguard to hold you together, and that is deteriorating as it's supposed to do.”

She was so incredibly proud of herself for finally figuring out everything that she didn't see the pain on Harry's face as soon as it appeared. “It was my fault entirely? Because of the damned marriage I forced him into? He could be alright if it hadn't been for that?”

Beating herself up inwardly, Hermione hugged Harry close, “Harry, no-one knew. It's not your fault. This kind of bond isn't usually maintained for that length of time, although it's completely non-intrusive and harmless. Severus needs you more than ever now. Don't you understand what this means? You are his Mindguard. You're bonded with him beyond that, it's why you get the backlash of the madness. All you need to do now is to perform the Closing.”