Entry tags:

calling in a debt, fanfic, harry potter, hp/ss

HP: Calling in a Debt 15/16
Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money of this story either.

This chapter is dedicated to my sister, Melinda Pierson (darkmoore), who gave me the push I needed to finish this chapter and this story. This one is for you, because you made this chapter perfect. She also betaed it especially fast. Thanks!

Chapter 15 – Closing

Watching Harry and Severus was painful for Hermione. They were seated as far from each other on the Head Table as humanly possible, still she could feel the tension between them. They barely talked to each other and generally ignored one another. Hermione looked down at her food again. The forced closeness the two men had to endure was already putting a strain on both of them after only three days. What made Hermione uncomfortable was that she knew exactly what the two were feeling towards each other. After the aborted Closing ceremony everyone who had been present knew what was going on.

“It’s not working,” Hermione observed, moving backwards a few more steps. The kaleidoscopic whirl of colours in front of them was similar to a hurricane and for a moment she was scared she’d be sucked in. Severus and Harry were in the middle of it all and it had started just as Albus had explained it to them. For a few moments everything had gone well, until the first tendrils of red and black appeared. “The colours are all off.” It was scary to see those two in the middle of such a cacophony of colours, but she was glad to have the opportunity to be present. Harry had asked her to, or she would never have dared to intrude, no matter how much she would have liked to be there.

“Unsolved disputes,” Albus said. His face was tense as the colour mix turned darker every second. “I’m afraid too much has happened between them.”

Every colour stood for feelings. Red denoted anger, green stood for jealousy and black meant unresolved problems and secrets. If Hermione closed her eyes she could still see the light that was surrounding the two, red and black dominating, with tendrils of green emanating from Severus. However, among the darker ones there were the dusty pink and some of the white that Albus and Hermione had hoped for. Not nearly enough to complete the Closing successfully. The Mindguard depended on the willingness to trust someone else to a certain degree. Anything else was simply disrupting and prevented them from dissolving the Mindguard bond, especially black was a sure sign of disaster in the terms of a Closing. Something as simple as a common belief or a common goal usually sufficed as a base for Mindguard and Closing, allowing wizards of earlier times to use the Mindguard as an effective way of secreting things. Too much had happened between Harry and Severus in recent years, too many issues had never been talked about.

Hermione remembered a passage of what she considered the most accurate book on Mindguards: “Never forget that someone close is not often the best choice for a Mindguard.” She had never thought she’d agree with that, but all accounts had pointed in that direction. Even though you shared so much with your Mindguard, especially feelings and your own memories, the way those were dormant in the Mindguard protected you from most intrusions. The better you know someone the harder it could become to solve all the issues between the Guarded and the Mindguard. And in all honesty Hermione couldn’t imagine Severus trusting James Potter enough to go through a Closing with him. Whatever they had planned to do in that case, it was lost to them. It was locked in Severus’ memories, inaccessible by sheer force in Harry’s mind. The only thing left before another attempt could be made was for Severus and Harry to at least find common ground. And a common goal that went beyond dissolving the Bond.

Hermione glanced at Severus to her far right. She took in his closed off face and the stiffness of his back. Tension was evident in his every move and the way he held the spoon. On the far left Harry tried to appear relaxed, but everyone who knew him well could see the lines of pain around his eyes.

Forcing Harry to get a complete medical had been by no means easier than with Severus. The results had been worse than they had thought. Severus had displayed the effects of the Mindguard rather openly after so many years, while the ones Harry had shown had snuck up on them. With their focus on the Potion Master Harry’s irrational behaviour, his easy temper and his change of personality had gone unnoticed. They simply hadn’t noticed Harry’s symptoms, which were – in Poppy’s words – clearly as bad as Severus’. Hermione felt like they had failed their best friend.

Why didn’t we notice sooner? Hermione asked herself again and again. We should have noticed sooner. Nothing would change the past, but hopefully they could change the future. That was all that mattered at the moment.

After a dinner Hermione barely touched, all of them met back at Albus’ office. Both Harry and Severus were glaring daggers at each other the whole way, distrusting and hurt. It had been like that for the past few days. Hermione couldn’t help but feel a bit nosy as to their private ‘talks’ – which she was sure, were loud arguments. On second through, she was glad not to be in the line of fire.

“Boys, I’ve had it. This cannot continue. ” Albus suddenly said after a few minutes of icy quiet. They had tried to first talk to them separately – Albus with Severus, Hermione with Harry – then had tried to talk as a group, but nothing had helped. They had started the day before, right after the aborted Closing. “This is our last chance of dissolving the bond between you two. Poppy gives us about two weeks. Do you understand? Soon there will be permanent damage.”

Noticing how Harry still looked stubbornly anywhere else but at Severus, Hermione’s hopes withered a little more. They didn’t seem like they would be solving those problems anytime soon.

“I’ve decided that you both need some more time to talk amongst yourself, without anyone present. My private library will be just the place.” Albus stood and moved to a door she had never noticed before. He held it open in quiet invitation and looked on as Harry and Severus entered. Hermione only had time for a quick glance. The room was bare apart from a couch and a small table with a jug, two glasses and a plate full of sandwiches. She couldn’t make out any books. “I’ve put up an Imperturbable Charm on the door. So please, don’t worry about my nap time.” With that Albus closed the door behind them.

Hermione sighed. “Do you really think that will help?”

Albus seemed to be unable to look away from the door, just like she wasn’t able to look right at it. “We can but hope. Sometimes screaming at each other works wonders in situations like that. I believe it is called a ‘healthy quarrel’ or something of the sort.”

“What if they hurt each other?”

With a small smile the old wizard looked at her, his eyes conveying his fears. “The spells I put on the room this morning won’t allow that.”

Hermione suddenly felt very cold as watched Harry and Severus walk into the room again. She settled in for the inevitable wait. They had been at this for nearly a week now and Poppy urged them to hurry several times every day. It wasn’t as if Albus, Hermione or Ron could actually do anything. None of them could solve these problems between Harry and Severus. It was up to the two of them entirely.

ooo00O00ooo

“Why the fuck are you going on about that again? There was nothing between Linus and me. Nothing! And for the last time, I never betrayed you with anyone while we were married or even after our marriage ended,” Harry shouted loud enough to be heard in the corridors if Albus hadn’t put up the Imperturbable Charm on the door. He was facing off with Severus yet again. Why Dumbledore insisted on them doing this was a mystery to Harry. It was quite obvious by now that it wasn’t working. Nothing had been solved. After nearly a week of spending a lot of time in Severus vicinity the constant accusations were starting to grate on him in a way that didn’t put physical violence out of the realm of possibility anymore. If they hadn’t been allowed to at least eat their meals in the Great Hall, Harry didn’t know what he would have done to Severus. Considering none of his arguments or even screaming reached Severus at all. It was the same every day. The same questions, the same accusations, the same righteous glare and snort at everything Harry could possible say.

“If you don’t believe me, what are you a Potion Master for? Give me some Veritaserum and I’ll tell you the exact same thing. I. Never. Cheated. On. You.” Gritting his teeth Harry stared at Severus, who was standing with his back to the wall, unmoving like the stone behind him. Casting spells or curses wasn’t possible. Somehow Albus had managed to do something to the room to cancel everything they could do to each other. And they both had tried. Oh they had tried. On the first day, their ‘private discussion’ had gotten quite volatile. Screaming hadn’t been enough and they had taken their wands out. Harry was sure one of them wouldn’t have come out that day without those protective wards he could feel itching at the rim of his awareness. Right now he didn’t feel thankful to Albus for them, though, even though he still thought taking their wands off them would have been just as effective. Give it to Albus to always take the harder route.

“If you say so, Potter.”

For a moment Harry’s field of vision turned white and he wanted to scream in frustration, but instead bit the inside of his cheek. All it’d do is make Severus smile at him like he was a little child. And then Harry would be forced to punch that smile off Severus’ face. Forcing himself to calm down before he harmed the infuriating man he turned his back on Severus. He refused to continue this senseless quarrel. If they had to spend their time together they might as well spend it in quiet contemplation and maybe even meditation. How Severus could stand there day after painful day and ask about the same things, like Harry’s answers would change, he couldn’t fathom. He avoided the couch and sat down on the warm floor in a corner at the far end of the room.

When Severus stepped into his line of sight it wasn’t a big surprise. For all his calmness he was as confrontational as Harry. “You mean it? You would take Veritaserum?”

For a moment Harry just looked at Severus before he nodded slowly, “Yes.” He watched as his ex-husband reached into one of the numerous pockets of his robes and withdrew a small vial. The fluid inside was colourless and even though he had offered, the prospect of actually taking the potion scared Harry.

“Open your mouth,” Severus calmly said. It wasn’t a demand or an order, but it might as well have been.

Harry swallowed nervously, but then he complied and stuck out his tongue. He should have suspected that Severus was carrying around a vial. This is my own damn fault, he thought as he felt the first drop of the tasteless fluid touch his tongue. One. Hopefully this would finally get through to Severus. Two. He’d be unable to lie, that sure had to mean something Severus. Three. Although, he’d be forced to answer any question. Anything Severus wanted to know, he but had to ask. Harry closed his mouth as Severus put the vial back into a pocket.

“What is your name?”

“Harry James Potter-Snape,” Harry answered immediately without any effort on his part. It was a curious feeling, as if he was floating at the ceiling. The world around him was oddly distorted, just like it felt when the medi-team patched him back up after an injury.

Severus frowned at his, but didn’t comment. “Did you cheat on me, Harry?”

“No.”

ooo00O00ooo

“No.”

Severus was shocked. He had been so sure, that Harry had lied to him. He had expected everything, but this. Something inside of Severus relaxed, just a tiny fraction, but enough for him to be able to breathe again. He swallowed and looked at Harry, sitting on the floor with the glazed look of the drugged. “Do you love me?”

“Yes,” Harry answered at once, his voice sure and strong.

“I–“ Severus swallowed his ‘I’m sorry’ before it could confuse Harry. Veritaserum wasn’t a good mix for a normal conversation and the effect would be wearing off soon. He could tell Harry how sorry he was then. Maybe it wasn’t too late for them yet. Maybe there was hope. “Why did you force me to marry you?”

“Because I loved you and I felt like it was the only way I could be sure to catch you,” Harry answered. He was nearly whispering, the first sign of the potion slowly wearing off. “I was lonely and I thought you were lonely too. My conclusion was that maybe we could be lonely together.”

“I know you have a secret, Harry, what is it?” It had been nagging at him since the aborted Closing. The black that originated from Harry had been taunting Severus in his dreams ever since.

“When you threw me out of your life I was going to tell you that I’m pregnant.”

Severus stepped back in surprise. “Pregnant?” That couldn’t be. Impossible. Getting pregnant was hard for a wizard and they had only spent one night together that way.

“Yes.”

For a brief moment Severus allowed himself to be awed. Harry James Potter-Snape, pregnant with their child...then he pulled his frayed mind back together. “Why do you still call yourself Potter-Snape?” The way Harry looked at him made Severus uncomfortable; it was so open, so vulnerable.

“I wanted you in my life so much and when the contract ended it was the only thing I could keep of yours. Everything else you took with you, but you couldn’t take away your name. I always wanted a family and I’ve wanted to have a family with you for longer than you can imagine.” The strange, ethereal quality to Harry’s voice had vanished throughout his answer, but the longing in his voice had been unwavering. “Do you know everything you wanted to know now?” He said conversationally. Harry closed his eyes for a moment and Severus could see him swallow. “I guess I just didn’t think about it too much. I ached for you. Now I know why that was the case, but I can’t change that I love you and that I want you so much it sometimes hurts.”

“I’m sorry, Harry,” Severus whispered, terrified by what Harry implied, that the Mindguard was the reason behind those feelings of longing. “I really am. For how I treated you and...everything. I do – I do care for you. And we really do need to talk about some things, but can we dissolve the Mindguard first, then think about what this means to us?” Admittedly, Severus longed for Harry, felt attracted to him quite forcibly. What if everything they felt originated from the bond between them? Where would that leave Severus? Alone, forgotten and hidden away in his dungeons once more? A victim of his own schemes? He didn’t want to go back to feeling that way. He didn’t want to let go of what little happiness he had felt when they had been together. He didn’t want to forego what he had felt when he had seen his husband in the air, playing professionally.

“Is there even an ‘us’, Severus? A while ago I would have said there was, but I’m not so sure anymore,” Harry answered softly, none of the earlier aggressiveness that had punctuated their recent conversations left anymore.

Severus himself felt suspiciously free of some of the intense feelings that had suffocated him these past few days. The overwhelming jealousy was gone, as if it had been snuffed out. Looking back on it, it had been completely unreasonable. Shuddering he realised that most of those feelings had been rooted deep within the madness of the Mindguard bond. Without that clouding his mind, Severus wanted everything back that he had lost. He wanted the closeness back that he had felt during those two weeks in their recent relationship, the trust, the feeling of being cared about. But without those nagging doubts and the bouts of fear, anger and terror that sometimes took hold of him and overtook all sane thinking.

What if it was only the Mindguard?

Then it hit him. “Harry,” Severus said and pulled him up by an arm, “you just took Veritaserum.”

“That fact hadn’t escaped me,” Harry answered, with humour evident in his broad smile.

Severus started dragging Harry towards the door, wanting to get him to the Hospital Wing as quickly as possible. “You’re pregnant and you took Veritaserum.” They rushed past Albus and Hermione and ignored their outcries. Before either of them could do anything, Severus had ushered Harry down the stairwell. In all his life, Severus had never made the way to the Hospital Wing this fast. Poppy had only looked at them in consternation for a moment before Severus said one word: “Veritaserum.” Then, she was running, too.

Afraid. He had been afraid so often in his life; Severus had thought himself to be immune already. But this, this was true terror. Not for himself, but for Harry and the baby he hadn’t even known existed for longer than a quarter of an hour. If anything happened to either of them, Severus would never be able to forgive himself. He recognised the forceful depression that was washing over him as a sign of the Mindguard degeneration, but he couldn’t help it. Standing helplessly next to the bed Poppy had pushed Harry onto and watching her work, didn’t make it better.

“You’ll be fine, Harry, but you really should be careful with potions from now on. During pregnancy only a few potions should be ingested. I’ll make sure to give you a list of the ones you are allowed,” Poppy suddenly said, not unkindly. Severus hadn’t noticed her backing off, hadn’t noticed her start glaring. “And now to you, Severus,” she said and rounded in on him. “You are a Potion Master, for Merlin’s sake! You should know better than him. Why did you allow this?”

“I-“ Severus started, but didn’t know how to go on.

Harry squeezed his hand and sat up in bed. Harry looked just a little dazed, but determined as well. “He didn’t know, Poppy. I hadn’t told him until after I took it. It’s not Severus’ fault.”

Severus felt a little faint himself, but he was unwilling to let go of Harry just now. Or ever. He didn’t pay attention to Poppy at all as she huffed and stomped off into the direction of her office. “I’m so sorry, Harry. Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale. Should I go and fetch you some water?” The words poured out without his doing. “I’ll go and get you a drink.” He tried to leave, but Harry wouldn’t let go of him.

“Don’t. Stay here, please?” He beckoned a chair to Severus’ side with his wand and made him sit. “I’d rather not be alone right now.”

So Severus sat down and held Harry’s hand until he had fallen asleep, reassuring him that he and the baby were okay every time Harry’s expression turned to outright panic.

ooo00O00ooo

The whirling mass of light wasn’t quite so terrifying with Harry holding onto Severus desperately, instead of them attempting to keep away from each other. The difference was as stunning as a storm ripped sea to a calm lake. Amazed Severus looked around them at the gently rippling light. Not all the dark and crazy thoughts had been entirely eliminated by their little...chat. Nor by the discussion they had had after Harry had woken in the Hospital Wing. Though, they both hoped it was enough for them to finally get rid of the Mindguard bond.

To finally be free...

He had often thought about that since Dumbledore had told them about the Mindguard, but something inside of him had shied away from it. From the knowledge of what the Mindguard did to people. From the images he had seen in the Pensieve. It was as if his mind didn’t want to know any of it.

Of course he knew that it was the Bond in a way. Those were the images he had given up to save his life. He still couldn’t get over how incredibly stupid the whole scheme had been. Severus had always thought he had more sense than that. Somehow, reckless and idiotic had never been traits he had seen in himself. They fit more in his view of Gryffindors. Maybe he didn’t know himself nearly as well as he thought he did. That was a quite a scary and disconcerting train of thought and Severus turned away from it.

There were still strands of blue – doubt if he remembered right – from both of them amidst a sea of rose and white, but Severus could feel the rightness of it. It wasn’t terrifying; instead it felt like balm for his soul. This time around they had banned their watchers to the door, to have a little bit of privacy at least. Looking over Harry’s shoulder he could barely see them.

Suddenly he felt Harry, not only where they were pressed against each other, Severus could feel him inside of his mind. Thoughts passed between them easily and Severus wondered how he could ever have forgotten an experience like this.

You didn’t yell, about me endangering the baby.

He could hear Harry clearly, the thought flitting through his mind, leaving a trace of warmth, wonderment and thankfulness behind. I love you, Harry, he thought to Harry.

Images flashed in front of his eyes, taking away his concentration from his own body. Harry’s strength kept him upright and chanting. Memories were rushing back, conversations played inside his head.

The utter force of feelings that had been Severus’ own at one point washed over him like a tsunami. It was like a maelstrom of emotions, trying to drown him, with the strong bond between Harry and himself as his only lifeline. Trusting in Harry to keep him safe, he allowed himself to be washed away by it.

ooo00O00ooo