Entry tags:

calling in a debt, fanfic, harry potter, hp/ss

HP: Calling in a Debt 16/16
Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money of this story either. I do however own the plot.

A big thanks to all the people who betaed this story at one point: allzugern, Amber, darkmoore, munchkinofdoom on livejournal and Christine Pierson. I especially want to thank Melinda Pierson (aka darkmoore) who did an absolutely wonderful job betaing these last two chapters of Calling in a Debt. Can't thank you enough, sis.

Chapter 16 - Possibilities

“What is going on with you, Harry. Why aren't you happy that you're finally rid of the greasy git? You should be bouncing off the walls and do cartwheels,” Ron groused as he watched Harry pick at his lunch. He was starting to get worried. It's been a week since they had severed the Mindguard bond.

“I just don't know how to deal with this. Ever since we broke the Mindguard I feel so ... empty. It's hard to explain,” Harry said. To Ron he sounded so terribly defeated, tired and lonely. Dark rings under his eyes showed his lack of sleep and he kept picking at his food instead of eating it.

Ron had hoped to spark something in Harry, even if it was anger. He had been so withdrawn and listless ever since the Closing and it tore at Ron to see him like that. “Look, I know you miss the bat. If I’m honest, I’m starting to kinda miss him myself. But I can understand how he’d need some time to get adjusted to those new things in his head. And as much as it hurts you, Albus is probably right when he says Severus probably needs it.” What probably had hurt more was how Severus had called him James twice, right after he had woken up. Harry had put up a good front, but Ron knew him too well.

What rankled Harry most of all was Albus ban of any visits. No-one was allowed to see Severus while he was recovering. Ron had gone so far as to try and intervene on Harry’s behalf, but Albus wasn’t open to reason on that subject. He had smiled at Ron at all the right places, had nodded now or then, then he had smiled and said, “No”.

“It’s gonna be alright, Harry, I’m positive,” Ron tried to reassure Harry once more, but only got a van smile out of his friend. Hermione chose exactly that time to return from the bathroom. It was just the three of them that evening. They didn’t want Harry to spend too much time alone. They knew he would only curl up on the couch or in bed and stare into nothing. So Ron had asked Harry to have his meals with them. With one glance he conveyed his lack of success to Hermione. He could hear her sigh, but she didn’t say anything. “You know, when we got here we wanted to talk to you about something that’s more or less a recent development. We...Hermione, why don’t you tell him?”

The change in her was instant; she went from looking nearly depressed to glowing. “Harry, Ron and I are getting married in three months. Also, we’re going to have a baby and we wanted you to be the godfather.”

Ron didn’t expect a reaction, but Harry astounded him by beaming at her and congratulating them. For the first time in a week Harry was showing genuine positive feelings instead of forced smiles. Ron smiled and listened to Harry and Hermione talking about the pregnancy and babies in general, and then started eating in earnest while he could.

Suddenly Harry put his fork away and leaned back to look at each of them in turn, his expression both happy and somewhat worried. “Well, while we’re talking about babies, in about three years time I’ll need godparents for mine. I was hoping you’d take the job.”

Ron choked on his fork full of roast beef and potato.

ooo00O00ooo

The tombstone was unadorned, a simple piece of marble. Aside from two names, two birthdates and two dates of death, there was only one small addition.

“Beloved parents
Fighters for the Light”

It was fitting.

Severus had never been at James’ and Lily’s grave before. He had never wanted to visit it. Why should he have? Until what felt like only a moment ago he had hated James Potter.

Now he couldn’t stop crying.

He had brought them a wreath of fresh spring flowers, the ones Lily had so loved. His new memories seemed to be unable to settle down, to fit into the life he had led. There were so many more memories that had been built on some false ones. While he knew that they had been dead for a very long time now, the grief was fresh. Severus had never been allowed the opportunity to mourn them.

A lot of things made sense now.

The way James had looked at him that one time they had met after the Mindguard had been invoked. Severus had always thought it to be contempt, but now he knew it was a sadness that had flickered through only briefly.

The way some of his early memories seemed to conflict his later ones had never caused him any alarm, but now, with his mind restored, Severus saw them. They had worked so carefully, but there had been minimal glitches that no-one else would have noticed. No-one but him. And only after the Bond was broken.

It felt like Severus saw the world through an oddly coloured lens.

The part of him that had been re-awakened had changed the way he looked at things and thought of things. He was still himself but he was more somehow. It was so hard to describe it, even thinking about it made Severus’ head ache.

When the tears finally subsided, Albus stepped up to his side. “Come, Severus, you need to get some more rest,” he said, his voice tinged by a remnant of the grief Severus felt.

“Why didn’t Harry visit me?” He suddenly asked and felt Albus stiffen next to him. “I’d hoped he would have forgiven me.”

So much for their maybe. It had been wishful thinking on his part. But still, there was a deep regret that he would never be able to be a father to their child.

“Severus, I’ve told you, I forbade any visitors until you deal with the memories. You were unconscious for a whole three days and Poppy believes it would be better to keep you isolated for now. Harry has been asking me at least ten times a day about how you are and begs me to let him visit you.”

He had a dim memory of Albus telling him that, it came to the front at the retelling. Relief washed over him at that. “I want to see him, Albus,” Severus decided.

“Once the memories have settled, you can see him.”

Severus stopped walking, “You don’t understand. I want to see him. And I want to see him now.” Another dim memory surfaced, one of Harry looking at him with glassy eyes. One of Severus reaching out for him, calling him James.

He felt like such a mess.

ooo00O00ooo

The banging against his door was starting to annoy Harry. He didn’t feel like getting up, but when the idiot who was knocking didn’t stop and go away, it was necessary. “Are you an ass or stupid? Can’t you understand that when someone doesn’t answer the door the first time around they are-“ He pulled the door open forcefully and froze, mid-sentence. “Severus,” he whispered and threw himself at the man he had wanted to see so desperately for what felt like years.

Albus cleared his throat, “I’ll leave him in your care, Harry, be so kind and accompany him back to the Hospital Wing for his daily check up.” He didn’t wait for an acknowledgment, which Harry wouldn’t have been able to give him anyway, but simply left them alone.

Pulling back, Harry framed Severus’ pale face with his hands and studied his eyes. They didn’t seem any different. “How are you feeling? Do you remember who I am?”

“Like I could ever forget you, Harry Potter-Snape.”

Overwhelmed, Harry pulled Severus’ face down and kissed him, pouring his worry, his love and his relief into it. He felt himself being embraced tightly. They separated to breathe and Severus gently pushed Harry inside the room and closed the door behind them. Harry took his hand and led Severus to the couch, sitting as close to him as humanly possible without outright sitting in his lap. “What-“

“Harry-“

They laughed a little breathlessly and Severus motioned for Harry to speak first.

“What happened? I thought we weren’t allowed to see you for at least another fortnight.” Harry saw that Severus had cried. Tear marks were still on his cheeks and his eyes were reddened.

“Nothing happened; I simply wanted to see you and forced Albus to comply to my wishes. I was – I was at their grave. For the first time. I still can’t believe James and Lily are dead. It’s like I just talked to them a moment ago and now they are gone,” Severus shook with suppressed emotion. “All these things, they feel so alien and yet so – I don’t know, familiar.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes, then looked at Harry intensely, “But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. Harry, I had to come and see you. We have to talk, about the Mindguard, about what happened and about what is going to happen.”

Harry laughed bitterly and asked, “Do we have to? Can’t we just enjoy the moment and let tomorrow be for now?”

The pain was audible in Harry’s voice and Severus ducked his head, looking at their joined hands. “I think it’s important. What we’re going to do is important.”

“I thought you loved me,” Harry said, sounding slightly more accusing than he had aimed for.

Severus’ head snapped up at that, his eyes searching Harry’s. “I do. I do love you. But look at us. Look at me. I’m not the same person I was a month or even a week ago. There are things in my head that I can’t make sense of. I remember the way you looked at me when I mistook you for your father. How are you going to handle it if I wake up from one of my vivid dreams and call you by his name in the middle of the night? Poppy told me the dreams might never go away; she said that the Mindguard suppressed my normal dreaming. She said that we must have done something else, to get rid of my tendency to sleep talk, too. Can you handle that?”

“I think I can,” Harry whispered, his eyes beseeching Severus to not do this to them. “If you let me try, I can cope with it. I thought I had lost you, that something had gone seriously wrong and you didn’t know me anymore the last time.”

Severus didn’t pull back, but his face became carefully blank. The same kind of blank Harry had see him use numerous times when he was hurting badly. “I’m scared, Harry. Terrified, actually. What if the love I feel for you is nothing but a side-effect of the Mindguard bond? What if this isn’t real? What if you wake up tomorrow and realise that I’m nothing but an old Potion Master who isn’t the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

Harry’s heart felt like it was breaking; the desperation and the fear in Severus’ voice were tearing him apart. He brushed a hand over Severus’ cheeks, wiping off fresh tears. “Severus, I’ve loved you before the Mindguard Bond became an issue. I loved you before the madness. My feelings haven't changed since we broke the Mindguard. I still love you; I still want you so much it hurts. I want you, Severus, like I never wanted anything or anyone before.” His voice broke on the last word and he had to breathe a few moments before he could continue. “Don’t give up on us before giving us a chance, Severus.” Harry hugged Severus, tightly, feeling the man shudder underneath his arms. He ran a hand up and down Severus’ back and told him that he was loved over and over again.

Finally Severus pushed away far enough to look at Harry again. “I want to try,” he said and brushed his lips against Harry’s, a silent promise. The kiss turned heated quickly until they nearly tumbled off the couch. “But I want to take it slow.”

“Yes, slow,” Harry whispered, his mouth trailing along Severus’ jaw, “Of course.”

ooo00O00ooo

Harry opened the door to find himself face to face with a visibly upset Hermione. “Hi, what's the matter?” His eyes found the large grandfather clock in the living room and he held back a reprimand for the early wake-up call. “Did anything happen?”

His friend looked awful, like she hadn't slept last night. “Harry, there's something I need to tell you before you get into a situation that will just end up hurting you again. You see, the Mindguard spell is designed to forge a very basic, very strong bond between two wizards that only endures while it's in use. The feelings ... they have to be there in the first place. If the relationship isn’t a strong one, there wouldn’t have been a Closing. Your feelings weren’t created by a spell,” she ended quickly.

Suddenly awake Harry stared at Hermione in shock, “What exactly are you saying? That my feelings for Severus definitely won’t change because we dissolved the Mindguard Bond?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Harry. I just...I had this really weird dream about you giving up on what you feel for Severus and I had to talk to you. This is so important to you. He is so important to you. He’s always been important. Nothing will ever change that. If anything changes your feelings for Severus, it certainly won’t be the end of the Mindguard. I really thought you needed to know that.”

“I -” Harry swallowed, his thoughts lost in a whirlwind of emotion. He felt dazed, happy, nervous and exhausted at the same time. “I’ll let Severus know. Thanks, Hermione.”

“Harry, I want you to be happy. That’s all I want.”

Harry hugged her close briefly, then gently pushed her into the corridor. “Thanks, I owe you. Now go back to bed, you need your sleep.” Her answering smile made him watch her until she rounded the corner before he closed the door. On his hurried way back to bed he discarded his dressing gown carelessly. Crawling onto the soft mattress he settled down as close as possible to Severus, snuggling under the blanket, putting his head back onto his lover's right shoulder.

“I heard what Hermione said,” Severus whispered into Harry's hair. “Look, Harry, we don’t have to do this. You're so young. You have your whole life in front of you. Being bonded to an old bat like me ... I'm not sure that's what's best for you. Actually, I think you should meet other people, have a life of your own.”

Harry’s arms tightening around Severus' waist and he put a leg over Severus’ calves, wiggling until they were lying just right. He told himself it was just because he liked the feel of Severus’ skin against his, but if he was honest with himself, it was as much a precaution. After having heard what Hermione had to say, Harry couldn’t understand Severus’ insecurities. He chose his next words carefully, “I don't care what anyone says. And you aren’t old.”

Severus didn't say anything; he simply wrapped his arms around Harry and held him tightly.

Harry started to get a little nervous when Severus didn't answer immediately. Uneasy at the possibility of his lover having changed his mind, of Severus’ getting up and leaving him again, Harry braced himself for the worst.

Then Severus turned around to face Harry and kissed his forehead briefly, “I don’t care what anyone else says, either.” His arms closed around Harry and just looked at him for a long moment. “And I want us to be together. For as long as you give me.”

Harry relaxed as Severus started rubbing his back in gentle circles. “In that case I think I’ll keep you for the rest of your life, if that’s quite alright with you.” Everything would be fine, Harry was sure of that much. Snuggling up to Severus, his face buried against the warm skin of his lovers neck, listening to Severus’ wonderful laughter, Harry felt safer than ever before.

ooo00O00ooo

Epilogue

Harry stood in front of the mirror, nervously smoothing his emerald robes for the umpteenth time. His hands rested on his protruding belly for a long moment as he brushed over the bulge of his stomach. The baby reacted to what was going on and kept kicking him viciously. “It’s okay, sweetie, daddy is going to calm down soon and then you can go back to sleep,” he crooned at his belly. It had been amazing how quickly he had grown recently. During the two and a half years he had known he was pregnant there had been no such drastic overnight changes, and now suddenly his body was growing every day.

“You ready?”

Turning around to Ron he smiled. “Nerves,” he said and smoothed his robe one last time. “But yeah, I’m ready.”

“Good, because I think if I don’t bring you soon, Severus might curse me,” Ron said, his voice light but his eyes worried. “I like him better when you are around, he gets anxious when you’re away right now, you know?”

Harry laughed and walked to the door, “Then we should probably go.” It only took Ron a few steps to overtake him. After all, he was supposed to lead him to the ceremony. Hermione should have been there with him as well, but she was with their new baby, Stephen, and two and a half year old Lillian Weasley.

As he walked down the isle that lead up to Severus, all the nervousness left him. Harry felt at peace with himself and the world. There, in front of him was Severus. His future. Their shared future. Harry gladly took Severus’ hand, his other protectively over his belly, as he stood in front of Arthur Weasley.

Soon, in a few months, whenever Breanna or Joshua decided it was time to arrive in the world, there would be three of them. Harry finally had what he had always longed for. Somebody to love him, someone he could love and a growing family.

The End.